I wanted to take a moment to write a letter to a very dear friend of mine, Kat, who has been dealing with a lot in her life. And I thought this also applies to so many others that I wanted to write it in an open ended style. If you are dealing with any of these issues and need someone to talk to. I am here for you if you need someone. This is for anyone dealing with anxiety, depression, or general confusion towards life. You are not alone, no matter how alone you think you are.
For starters, I wanted to say how sorry I am about what you are going through. It is not easy and does not compare to anything I could possible try to describe. I may have gone through my own battles with depression and bipolar disorder, but my pain isn't your pain so I can't tell you want worked for me will work for you.
What I can do is be there for you as you try to figure it all out. I wish I could just take all that pain away and throw it into the deepest depths of the oceans, locked away in a chest with the key thrown into a volcano. But pain is invisible and I can't do that. If I could conjure a fairy godmother to make it better, I would have conjured a million for you. But sadly, I cannot. All I can do is offer you my thoughts and support in the only ways I know how.
The first thing I want you to know is you are not alone. I know you feel alone and that not a person in the world cares about you. But that's not true. Your mind is playing a trick on you, it's telling you lies to conceal you away in the darkness. But you don't have to be the baby antelope being pulled away from the herd by a lion. You are stronger than you think you are. You are more loved than you think you are. You are not alone in this. There are others feeling the same way as you are. Lost and confused. You just need to find the courage to find those people that will listen and hug you without expecting anything in return.
Secondly, I know you said you don't want to speak to a professional, but you also feel like those around you don't take you seriously or even care to listen. I know it's hard to trust other people and tell them all your deepest, darkest secrets. But sometimes seeking council is the only way to crawl out of the hole you've found yourself in. And it might not even help at first, but it's not something that's going to magically disappear. You're in a tunnel and the light might not show for many weeks, months or years, but it will come back. You just have to keep going until you finally see it. And when you do there will be a smile on your face again. Your insecurities won't be shackles. The thoughts that send you spiraling will just be a thing in the past. And you might have to fake many smiles, but one day it will be genuine and you won't even realize when it happens. Or maybe you will, and you'll smile even more knowing all the things you went through just for that ray of sunlight.
Third, you have to find a way to be ok with it. I know that sounds wrong, but accepting it helps. You can see how it shapes you and how it has made you stronger. It may not make sense now, but it will down the road. One of my favorite quotes is:
The things your struggling with now are things that are preparing you for the future. And it doesn't make sense. None of it will make sense. But that's the beauty of it. Accepting the pain in a way where you sit with it and actually feel it for a time, helps shape you into something stronger than you ever were before. It's not a mistake or a flaw that needs to be hidden. It's a tool that needs to be used from time to time. And I know you don't want to hear it, but sometimes you will go through pain over and over again because it makes you more appreciative and happy in the long run. Also because you are destined for something great.
So don't be afraid to seek help. And I don't know if this helps at all, but I hope it does. It may not even help right now, but someday it might. I'll always be there for you, just send me a call me, beep me if you want to reach me.