I’m blogging all month long, every single day I’m going to be writing something new. There isn’t really a theme or anything. Sometimes it might be about books, shows, beauty, or life. It’s really just going to be whatever I’m in the mood to write about that day. And today, I thought I would start off with something personal. As I did something for real, for the first time, and it’s literally the only thing I can think about writing about at the moment. Honestly, I’m not even sure if I should as I feel almost embarrassed talking about it, but it’s a natural thing that happens in life and I don’t know maybe someone out there can relate. Or it could help someone else out who’s in a similar boat.
I feel like I’ve mentioned it somewhere on my blog before in the past. I’m 99.9% sure I’m asexual. Meaning, I don’t get aroused or think about sex or feel the need to scratch that itch like ever. Granted, sometimes usually if I’m reading romances sometimes I experience some level of libido. But that doesn’t change the fact, I just don’t get that drive. Not that I’m opposed to it… as that’s the premise of this whole post. I’ve never really seen or heard anyone talk about what’s it’s like for an asexual person to have sex. Not that no one ever has, I’ve just never seen it. The most experience I’ve had with sex has been through TV shows (largely fade to black) or books. And those are from heterosexual couples or some other sexuality where they have that drive. Or friends talking about it, and they aren’t ace.
So, I’ve heard it described as “sex is the best thing ever” or “it will blow your mind” or “it will totally change your life.” And considering I’m asexual, I never really got what that would mean for me. Especially as the opportunity never came up in my life. I’m sure the guys I dated in the past probably would’ve, but our relationships were never there. Then I got so wrapped up with work, that I didn’t date for many years because it didn’t seem right at the time. My time and focus were elsewhere. And the thought of mentioning that fact or being asexual wasn’t something I felt like I should say. Again, not opposed to sex, it just doesn’t push any buttons from what I’ve learned from masturbating.
But I want a relationship for literally every other aspect, so I knew it was bound to happen at some point. And well, last night was that some point. I didn’t know what to expect considering it was with another person. Would I get bored as I usually do? Would I be under or overwhelmed? Would I feel awkward in literally every regard?
I’ll admit I had no fucking clue what I was doing. I still have no idea if I did “the right things” for my partner. As that seemed awkward to ask during and after… and yet that was precisely all I thought about. Which I’m sure is common for probably everyone under the sun their first time. I’m inexperienced, it’s fine, I’ll learn eventually. Plus, I don’t think they minded and that was just me being in my head, but I could be wrong.
I’m not going to share any details. It wasn’t bad. It was different. But it certainly wasn’t the planets that have all suddenly aligned and/or the best thing ever. Not going to lie, I did enjoy aspects of it.
So, yeah that happened. No clue what tomorrow’s post is going to be. But I’m purposefully not writing these in advance, so whatever I end up writing about is what’s on my mind of that day.
Hope you’re all having a great day!
Love ya,
Mae Polzine
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