This month instead of a life lately, I’m just going to do a let’s talk about as I haven’t had anything super interesting or exciting happen other than the one thing I can’t talk about… As some of you may know, I have bipolar disorder which can be a handful some days. I’ve been working for years to develop coping techniques so I can’t need to be on medication. Granted it doesn’t always work, but by the time I finally start thinking about needing to go in the cycle has passed. Then I decide not to go in because they’re just going to give me the Depression Questionnaire, and I won’t register as I’m not in that cycle anymore. They seriously need a separate questionnaire for those with Bipolar Disorder as they can be in a hypomanic phase or in between phases. So not going in just allows mental breakdowns with depression to kick in down the road. Such as right now, I’m in the middle of a mental breakdown thanks to that issue I mentioned a few days ago that I can’t talk about.
Depression lies and tries to convince you that everyone is against you. Or that you did the completely wrong thing, when you know you did everything correctly. Even when others confirm you did nothing wrong, your mind goes over the event a hundred times trying to figure out what to do differently and each time lying to you saying that you did everything wrong. So you spiral down into the mental void that worsens your depression. And of course with depression comes thoughts of self-harm for myself as that was my main coping technique when I was in middle school, high school, and part of the way through college.
I’m going to get myself a therapist again, which I haven’t had in many years. Hopefully this time around they don’t try to convince me my childhood was terrible and to blame for everything, because it wasn’t. Sure some aspects with my dad were bad but I wouldn’t blame my bipolar disorder on that. I blame genetics. As it’s all just a chemical imbalance thanks to my ancestors. Of course none of my other family members have ever gotten tested or diagnosed, so I don’t know which side of the family it comes from. I think it’s a combination of both sides. My aunt has seasonal depression and we think my grandma on that side may have had depression. But it could very well be from my dad’s side as addiction is very common with those dealing with a mood disorder; however, he has never and probably will never seek help for that. He got addicted to alcohol; whereas, in depression phases I was addicted to self-harm and hypomanic phases I have an uncontrollable urge to shop. Which is probably why I have my debit card number memorized, since just the card design changes but not the actual number.
Thanks to that event last week, I already knew my depression was creeping back up but this just helped throw it over board. So to make sure it didn’t go too overboard I needed to take a break from blogging as I was completely out of ideas to write about, and unmotivated to write in general. This also helps avoid putting up posts just for the sake of putting up a post that I’m not 100% happy with.
One thing I always thought growing up was that there was no way you could be unhappy once you had children (even if they are fur babies), lived on your own, and had a full time dream. To be honest, growing up life literally stops at that point as you’re at the “happily ever after” stage. Yeah… that’s not true. Life keeps going and a chemical imbalance isn’t just going to vanish the second all those things are true.
