The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster. Mostly because some old wounds were opened up after I got the news that my father had a seizure. I don’t talk about it or him at all, mostly due to being trained as a kid never to talk about it. But I’m trying not to be so locked up about everything in my life. Basically to make a LONG story short, I haven’t heard from him in seven years after A LOT of things happened. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what happened around him, since my mom is still friends with his neighbors. So, we got informed of things that was going on. But these last two weeks have been a whole other level. I’m not going to get into details of it. But it’s made me think about things, specifically things that I need to work on. So, that’s what I wanted to focus on in this post.
I’m not going to go into a lot of details about these, but they are things that I need to deal with. Almost all of them boil down to anxiety due to past things that have happened. Like these are things to a point where I have panic/anxiety attacks over, or they have prevented things that I really should be dealing with or addressing.
Food shopping like literally picking out things to eat at a grocery store. This more or less has come down to the fire alarm going off in my apartment due to its placement which I can’t change. So, I can’t use my oven or stove without it going off to a point I stopped cooking after it freaking me out enough times that I got second degree burns. But since that’s limited me to microwave only and a year of being locked inside, I literally can’t figure out what to buy or eat. And panic when I have to go grocery shopping, often times I only manage to get a few things before I have to leave or else I’m going to have a breakdown in the noodle aisle or any aisle really. Then end up getting McDonalds or some other fast food delivered almost daily, which is not healthy in many ways.
Taking medication like I should be on it for my mental illness but after having an allergic reaction once for some random medication, I haven’t been able to take medication that’s literally not aspirin without almost losing it. But I know I should be on something since I have Bipolar Disorder II. I need something to balance the chemicals in my head. Yet, I’m on nothing for it. All because I got so paranoid that my emotions weren’t mine on top of the other thing I mentioned.
Going to the doctor to discuss issues. Not getting into what issues I’ve been having physically in the last year, but it’s to a point where my life is effected regularly because of it. Yet I can’t get myself to make a damn appointment, because I just remember the years I was basically a medical guinea pig that fucked me up so badly. I’m terrified of mentioning any of them will result in the same thing happening again. And I can’t afford to go through that again. Mentally and financially even with insurance. Plus, I don’t want to risk my job if the medications cause changes to my mood. And my mood is already messed up due to my brain chemistry (thanks Bipolar Disorder II).
So, yeah that’s where I’m at mentally right now. No idea how I’m going to work on any of those things. But usually after I write a post like this, it gets better for a time as I threw it out into the void. Maybe that will help with these three things, or maybe not. Hope things are going good with all of you. And if there’s stuff you need to work on, I hope you manage to figure something out or get the help you need to tackle those things.
Wishes I could insert my Twitch and Discord emotes into here without having to add them as photos, so they could be inline versus off to the side. Oh well, that will have to work for now.
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