This is Fine…

I haven’t done an update post in ages and honestly I’ve written then deleted similar posts countless times now. But considering I’m posting way less than I normally do, I’m going to do a stream of consciousness where I just write everything that comes into my mind and no editing out my thoughts. And the reason I haven’t posted this is mainly I wasn’t sure how it would go over. Since a lot of it is related to mental health and work, and neither are really things I talk about on this blog. I’ve done a few posts on my mental health but absolutely nothing other than a mention on my about page when it comes to work.

To start with I was debating on naming this post five different things: “I’m Unwell, Thanks for Asking”, “I’m Not Ok, Trust Me”, “Now We’re Stressed Out”, “I’m In Over My Head”, and “This is Fine.” As I’m writing this I’m not sure what option I went with but most of them are song lyrics with the exception of a meme. But they all sum up how I’ve been doing lately.

Basically everything boils down to work at the moment. If you didn’t know, I work for a cloud hosting provider for hospitals around the United States and some international clients. Currently we have a physical data center and unfortunately the lease is up so we need to move everything to a new data center. Well we have around six hundred servers and three hundred VPN tunnels. And almost all of the servers are running on outdated software. Due to a bunch of setbacks and delays, we only have about a month or so to move everything. Not just that, but thanks to the sales team we’re upgrading almost all of the software at the same exact time to the next version. Problem is I don’t know it, and one of the software the configuration/installation guide is 6000 pages. Now you might be wondering, why is it all on you? ‘Cause there is literally no one else who can do it. I’m the only software escalation at my company these days and was not expecting to go to a new software. The CEO had told me months ago we weren’t going to it. We were just going to move as is and deal with any software changes later. Then two months before end of lease, suddenly that entire plan changed. And I couldn’t start building or testing until a month out from the lease ending. With one week to figure it out before handing it over, that date being this coming Friday.

So I’m stressed out and in way over my head at work. Which is way I’ve pulled back from posting blog posts during this project. And probably won’t be posting a lot on here until it’s complete. Supposedly that will be the end of February but could spill over into March.

As for my mental state, my bipolar disorder is no longer dormant or easy to manage. Each new phase is more draining than the last. I haven’t been on medication or treatment for it since 2014. I was able to handle the phases or barely notice it. But over the course of the last year, it’s just been getting gradually worse as time has gone on. And some days are a serious struggle to find motivation or get out of bed. But thanks to this work project, it’s been pushed way over the edge. And I can’t exactly take time off work to go in to get back onto medication or help for it. So  that’s just wonderful. I’ll probably go in after the completion of this work project but if I take a good majority of March off as well, this is way. I’ll need a mental holiday. As at the moment, I’ve been having anxiety attacks at least once a week and sometimes at work… so that’s “fun.”

Love ya,

Mae Polzine

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