I haven’t done a mental health post in a while, unless you count my “This is Fine” life update from last week. Mainly as I didn’t have anything to say, and I’m sorry if this post is jumbled or sounds off. As I’m writing this post I’m in the peek of a hypomanic phase of my Bipolar II Disorder. And rarely can I ever tell one has happened but this one was as clear as day… mud… whatever. So I thought I would just write about my experience with this phase.
Hypomania if you don’t know what is means is basically persistent elevated or irritated moods. Above what a normal person would experience, but not quite to the extreme of full out mania. You suddenly feel like bouncing off the walls with all this energy like every fiber in your body has come to life. Your mind is racing around, your senses seem more intense and everything needs your attention. And since everything is going so fast you can’t think, impulses take control of logic. Every decision you normally would take longer to debate or hold yourself back from just are something you act on now. Think Ariana Grande’s song Seven Rings:
I want it, I got it, I want it, I got it
You like my hair? Gee, thanks, just bought it
I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it
To the point where your bank account is drained and you didn’t even notice until your card is declined. Or at least that’s always my tell after the phase is over… usually that causes the phase to crash into a depressive one. And I know I fell into it again this time. Told myself I would be on a low buy and one hypomanic phase later I have boxes on boxes arriving from impulse buys I didn’t even think about.
That and I seriously can’t sleep. Laying down makes me feel like I’m crawling in my skin to get moving again. But I know if I don’t sleep then instead of being giggly and happy, I’ll be irritated and a train wreck the next day. Sleep is the friend that you know you should listen to but the energizer bunny is calling your name to keep going. Usually at this point I would reach for melatonin to force my brain to turn off… but I ran out. So now I’m flopping around in bed trying to force my brain to sleep, but it’s just not listening.
I don’t know.
At least if I play music at work, it’s enough to help me stay somewhat focused where I can do my job. Anything else like YouTube video just on in the background isn’t working. During this phase at least I can hardly keep attention span to watch a full video. Like Shane Dawson’s video that’s like two hours long, can’t do it unless I’m also doing four other things at the same time and only ever if I’m at home since that wouldn’t fly at work.
I’m just trying to ride out the rest of this phase hoping for the best since I don’t really have anything to control it with. So that way I can finally get around to finding a doctor who can prescribe medication. I’ve been debating on getting help for over a year and I think finally recognizing the phases aren’t something I can manage on my own anymore has finally gotten me to that edge of needing help. It’s effecting my life now not just an annoyance in the background.
I don’t know where this post is going or what it is. I’ve seriously forgotten what my goal was for it. I guess just to talk about the phase while I’m in one. If any of this made sense or you found it helpful, then congrats! You win… nothing. I don’t have a prize for that and can’t think of anything. I also don’t know how to end this post. So yeah… bye!
Love ya,
Mae Polzine
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