The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster. Mostly because some old wounds were opened up after I got the news that my father had a seizure. I don’t talk about it or him at all, mostly due to being trained as a kid never to talk about it. But I’m trying not to be so locked up about everything in my life. Basically to make a LONG story short, I haven’t heard from him in seven years after A LOT of things happened. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what happened around him, since my mom is still friends with his neighbors. So, we got informed of things that was going on. But these last two weeks have been a whole other level. I’m not going to get into details of it. But it’s made me think about things, specifically things that I need to work on. So, that’s what I wanted to focus on in this post.
2020 has been long and we’re only three months in… it feels like a year has already happened since 2019. Right now the world is basically in lock down, to stop the spread of COVID-19… my state is just in a recommended self-isolation but there isn’t any strict enforcement of this. Though I’m a homebody, and used to think of myself as a bit of a hermit (or that I’d be fine with little to no contact). It’s hard not to feel off about the current situation. And honestly, I’m having a little bit of a tough time working out what my new normal is.
There are a lot of things that I worry about. But over the years, I’ve been working on getting better at not worrying about everything possible. And though I still have a lot of work to overcome my anxiety… I’ve stopped worrying about certain things as there are just better use of my mental energy.
I have been a massive dog lover all of my life. Hell my first words were dog and I didn’t stop repeating that word until my parents got me one. Granted it was the family dog and followed my mom around like a shadow. And I will always advocate for big dogs, they make excellent pillows to rest on or a shoulder to cry on if you need one. Now if you’ve been reading my blog for a few years, or even just a little while you’ll know I do not have a big dog. I have a rather small dog named Pixie who is going to be five this year. And ever since getting my own dog, I have such a better appreciation for them then I ever did before. Not that my first dog, Sadie, wasn’t amazing. She was my absolute best friend but she wasn’t mine at the end of the day. So these are all of the things that I’ve noticed since I got Pixie Bug and just general things about dogs.
Over the many years of dealing with anxiety and depression, I’ve had a far amount of paranoia that’s been driven by these mental disorders. And it took a long time to realize those two concepts were connected. As these aren’t just psychological disorders but biological as well since it effects your brain chemistry. From neurotransmitters for mood and control emotions to misfire, and affect the way you think. And it take make you convinced that everyone is against you or talking behind your back much like paranoia. So what do you do when this happens? How do you handle those situations?
When people say their mind won’t shut up or is always thinking of things, the first thing most assume is that those people get things done. Or are always going in the direction towards their goals and would be very successful. As someone who deals with anxiety and bipolar disorder, my mind is always running on all four cylinders to the point where getting work done seems almost impossible. Sometimes it’s so bad, even just remembering what someone asked me to do unless it’s written down I completely forget about as it gets lost in the mind void of a million thoughts.