Life Update: I’m Maxed Out

Haven’t written a personal type blog post in ages, but I don’t know. I’m in the mood to. I’ve been dealing with a lot in my personal life that has been leaving my head in a a hundred different places. And I need to vent somewhere, so going to share it here as my blog is first and foremost a place for me to share anything on my mind not just a professional review of books, games, and makeup type place.

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Maybe, I’ll take this down in a few days or private it, but for right now I just need to get this out into the void and move on. I’m writing this as a stream of thought. So, it might not make a lot of sense. But as I said, I’m just getting everything off my chest that I’ve been keeping to myself.

My mental health has been shit lately. I don’t mind living by myself, but it has always been something I’ve been scared of: being alone with my thoughts for too long. And with quarantine, I’ve been alone with them for months. I’m not sure if I’ve just reached the point where I’m lonely or what. It’s not like I don’t see people. I’m in video conferences every weekday with co-workers, I talk with people throughout the day on Discord, and stream three times a week (give or take). And I see my mom and sister weekly at least for an hour. So, I’m not alone. Not really. But still… I don’t know. I think it’s just getting to me in a way, and I don’t know how to fix that. Because it’s not like the world is open. And even if it was, I’m terrified at the idea of meeting anyone new… like making small talk, not knowing the other person’s backstory, etc.

This song from Corpse Husband, is very similar to how I’m feeling:

On top of that, my father has been causing havoc to my family life. I’m not going to get into all the details. But the basics are my mom and him divorced seven years ago, I went with my mom. He was supposed to take her name off the house in the divorce by refinancing. He did refinance, but the bank or company he went through failed to take my mom off the mortgage. I haven’t spoken to him in six years after a lot of bad shit went down. Basically a lot of emotional, verbal, and mental abuse that I don’t want to get into.

That’s not even including what he did to my mom… I don’t know if I ever spoke about it on here, but since I’m on the topic whatever I’ll share it. He lied on taxes that he submitted without my mom being present during the separation and divorce to spite her. Well, it landed them in massive issues with the IRS that she’s been trying to figure out with lawyers for years. And ended up not having enough money to deal with it in courts, so she just had to settle.

Anyways, for the last few years our old neighbors (who are still my mom’s friends) constantly update us on the situation. How he has random people in and out of my childhood home all the time, how many of them are drug users or possible felons, etc. And recently, he has failed to pay the house payment enough that the place is going into foreclosure. Now random people that know my mom or somehow have my phone number (no idea who these people are as they aren’t my direct old neighbors as they are still in my mom, in case I need to get a hold of my mom and she’s not answering her phone but with them) are texting me around the clock trying to get me “inform me” what’s going on with him. I honestly don’t even know what to do in regards to those. It’s fucking stressful.

I also feel like a failure for not posting on my blog that much, but I literally don’t know what to write about if I haven’t just finished a book which I go into lulls with or just repeat previous books I’ve read. Though I’m playing the video games, I’ve already written posts on the games I’m playing. And I haven’t been wearing makeup for the most part, so that’s left me with not a lot to talk about on the blog. As that has been all I’ve done on here for years. And it’s not like I’m going to write posts about the fact that I’m streaming. That’s a tweet, not a blog post. So, I’m trying to figure out what to do about the blog. As I love having this place and don’t want to get rid of it. This is my safe, happy place. But I also don’t know what I want to blog about generally going forward.

These are the only two makeup things I’ve done in the last eight months:

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One of which (the one on the right) was a stream over on Twitch. And the other one was going to be, but I ended up just doing it on my own.

Oh, and I decided to offer Twitch emotes and sub badges on here, as I’ve been unofficially doing it for two of my friends: Toast and Joker. Maybe I’ll add more and sell my art. I’m not sure yet.

Anyways… yeah, that’s where I’m at.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Love ya,

Mae Polzine

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